NRE, or New Relationship Energy,
is a phenomenon experienced in all relationships, monogamous or poly, partner
or fuck buddy, lover or even friend. It is the surge of wonderful new feelings
we get when first seeing someone new. It could be that ‘can’t keep my hands off
them’ lust and passion, or feeling like you want to spend all your free time
with them. It is what gives you butterflies in your stomach, and makes you
think about that person almost non-stop.
Eventually, NRE fades away, and
gives rise to a more settled, consistent affection and stability. Things
eventually level out and plateau. In popular culture, renewing this energy is
what people are striving for when they ‘spice things up’, or ‘rekindle the
romance’. It feels wonderful, and as such, it is easy to understand why those
in monogamous or long-term relationships make effort to get a bit of that buzz
back further down the line.
As polyamorous people, we have
the opportunity to experience this feeling more than once, and sometimes simultaneously.
When we bring a new partner into the fold, we get NRE with them, just like we
did with the partner we already have. There are definite positives and
negatives associated with this. It is important, when, for example, we have a
stable primary relationship and we start seeing a new person, to not get too
caught up in this NRE, and neglect our primary partner. It is also important
not to seek this feeling out in order to smooth over or mask cracks in our
existing relationships. On the flip side, this NRE can rejuvenate an existing
relationship, and give it new life and new energy.
Some people thrive on NRE and
lose interest in relationships when it is gone. I’m not one of those people. I
find the experience of NRE nerve-wracking, and fraught with stress. The period
in which we experience NRE is usually in tandem with the time when a
relationship is least stable. We get caught up in the headiness of it, and it
can create foster false expectations, false promises and blind us to potential
problem areas. But it feels good, and sometimes we can just ‘go with’ things
that we might not otherwise.
What I always long for is what
comes *after* the NRE; the stability, which some think is mundane, fosters
security, consistency, and familiarity. I know what to expect, and where the
boundaries are.
It is important however when
having NRE with someone new, to occasionally step back and analyse things. Ask
yourself: Am I devoting more time/money/resources to this person than I really
afford? Is this really love I am experiencing, or is it just lust? Am I
devoting as much, or enough attention to my existing relationships, or getting
caught up in the excitement of something new? If we are smart about it, and
strive to ensure that NRE remains firmly grounded in reality, it can be an
amazing and exciting time. Enjoy!
Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month six bloggers - ALBJ, An Open Book, Delightfully Queer, More Than Nuclear, Rarely Wears Lipstick, and The Boy With The Inked Skin - will write about their views on one of them.
2 comments:
I tend to think that (as well as hormones), NRE (or "being in love" as opposed to loving) is due to the projection of one's anima or animus onto the beloved. Then when you get to know them better, you stop projecting and start appreciating them for what they really are, instead of as your projection.
"renewing this energy is what people are striving for when they ‘spice things up’, or ‘rekindle the romance’."
Oh yes, you're right! I hadn't thought of that.
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