Thursday, 1 September 2011

Wants and Needs

This past New Years, I made a resolution to be less subtle, and ask for what I want. I have done fairly good at achieving this, and had some wonderful experiences that I would not have had if I had let my shyness prevail.

As I'm suddenly thrust into singledom again, a stark realisation has occurred to me. I've been learning to ask for what I want in the short term but I have been failing miserably at getting what I *need* in the long term. (Let me explain here, that I mean want/need in terms of relationships, sex and dating).

I'm not looking to any time soon, but at some point, I am going to start dating again. I'm a relationship type of person. I like being part of a couple, I like having a partner. I have had some pretty spectacular failings in relationships, but I am determined, that this time, I will have learned from those failings. I am slowly forming a figure in my head of what my perfect mate is, what I truly need from a person and a relationship. I thought I'd write it down, for posterity. (NB. I am using the word want below, but these things together all combine to be what I need in my next partner, also, this post is not to say that my previous partners didn't contain many of the below features).

I want to be chased, not to always be the one doing the chasing. I want to be cared for, even though I find it hard, and I in turn will care for them.

I want someone who has their shit together, to be strong, secure and independent. I don't want to be held accountable for the actions of my predecessors, or the daemons in their head, but accountable for my actions and my words.

I want them to have a life, ambitions, goals and dreams. I want them to be driven by passion and to have crazy things they cannot live without. I want them to take chances, to have life experience behind them and interesting stories to tell.

I want them to enjoy spending time with me, but not need to spend time with me. I want to be free to have fun with my friends, to meet new people and explore new things. I want to be trusted and respected. I want to be able to play with my friends or new people I meet and be open to potential, but to feel secure. I want to know who I go home to, and for them to know I will always go home to them.

I want to be a priority. I want to be the most important thing to someone else. I want to be considered first. I want them to never have to choose, but to know if they did, it would always be me.

I want someone to want to do bad things for me. I want to be good for them. I want them to not be able to keep their hands off me. I want them to wake up in the middle of the night wanting me, and I want them to take me. And, I want to be able to do the same to them.

I want to make them smile. I want them to be excited to see me. I want them to be proud to call me their partner. I want to be shown off to friends and family.

I want to be supportive, and a shoulder to cry on, but not to be constantly firefighting. I want to reassure, but not be a source of validation.

I want to be surprised. I want to be treated. I want the little things, the secrets, the hidden notes, and spontaneity.

I want someone to want me to be better than I am, and I want someone who wants to be better than they are. And I want to enjoy that journey together, but knowing that neither of us can change the other, we can just be the reason for the change.

Most of all, I want stability, comfort and love.

Will I find all these things in one person? Who knows. But I know I won't stop looking for them, because my heart needs what my heart needs.

1 comment:

lipsticklori said...

It's always good to assess your own needs and wants so that it's clear in your own head, allowing you to make appropriate decisions even when that is hard to do. Not sure how you'll find someone who doesn't *need* to spend time with you but who also makes you a priority, but I wish you well in your search. Sometimes the seemingly unattainable can exist. Blogging about feelings is always a good way to end up cooler and calmer about the whole thing anyway, whatever happens.