Thursday, 30 June 2011

Tears for fears

I thought it fitting that the only post I have left on this blog be about my desire and inability to cry. It allows me to segway easily into this next chapter.

Last night I cried, I cried on Sunday past as well, for very different reasons. Last night I cried in a busy late-night restaurant, in the company of two fantastic friends, and after several cocktails has been imbibed. But, I cried.

The tears were linked to something that is a quite deep and core issue for me, and that is the feeling of not being wanted. It stems for my childhood; from abandonment issues to do with my mother, school-yard bullies and being an 'ugly kid', being awkward and confused as a teen.

These feelings have prevailed into my adult life as well and have manifested themselves quite neatly in my kink life. I'm a switch, a true switch I would say. I couldn't chose between roles, nor do I have a preference. Well, no, that is untrue. I probably prefer to Top, but some of that preference is out of self preservation and convenience.

When I was a teenager (literally, the month I turned 18) I began a D/s relationship with a much older person that was possibly the most satisfying and intense relationship I had ever had. Through my submission to this person, I felt whole and fulfilled. It went on and off for about 6 years (all but 1 year of it being long-distance, and secondary), and eventually ended for reasons to complex to discuss here.

Since then, with the exception of a few scenes and 'mucking about' sprinkled over the years, I have not subbed. At all. For a while I didn't want to, or didn't want to admit I wanted to, but for the last two years, I have not just wanted it, I have craved it to my bone.

The really hard part has been in finding a suitable dominant partner. Well, a dominant partner full-stop. I have had some offers for play here and there, and I know I have some lovely friends who I could have a lot of fun with, but what I am craving is much more than that.

I want to be wanted, to be needed, to be owned and to be used. I don't just want a flogging in a noisy club, I want someone to call me theirs and be proud of me. I want to adore, to serve, to offer myself up, and to be safe. And well... that is pretty darn hard to find, especially as a submissive male.

The tears last night were a bit self-indulgent, and I look back feeling like that response was a bit ungrateful. Ungrateful for the loving and wonderful partners I have, my amazing friends, and the play that I do get. Yet, the tears flowed from a place deep inside where a little boy full of fear and sadness just wonders why no one wants him, why he isn't good enough, why so many people around him get that, and he doesn't.

I know when the time and the circumstances are right, I'll find my Dominant, and they will love and cherish me, control and torment me, and be proud to call me their own. In the meanwhile, I need to focus on making myself as good as I can, and to enjoy the amazing plethora of people and experiences I have in my life.

And probably shed a few tears.

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