Poly Means Many - Negotiating with Yourself

Negotiating - we all do it, in every aspect of our lives from work, to friendships and socializing; some better than others. Negotiating within romantic/sexual relationships can be a challenging and fraught experience. This can be doubly so in poly relationships, because there is often a whole lot more to negotiate!

As I have recently begun a new relationship, I have been thinking about and doing a lot of negotiating lately and it struck me how ‘easily’ it was all going. Now it could be that my new partner and I are just that much more compatible, but something else dawned on me; I had spent a great deal of time prior to starting to date again, reflecting on what I wanted, needed, and realistically could give, in and from a relationship.

You know the old chestnut “You cannot love someone until you love yourself”? Well, the same sort of thing goes for relationship negotiations. You cannot negotiate with your partner until you negotiate with yourself.

Before you sit down to negotiate with your partner, it is vitally important that you sit down with yourself and figure out your stance on things. Let’s say you were going to a meeting with your boss to negotiate a raise. You would prepare, wouldn't you? You’d likely spend some time reflecting on your position and while you thought you deserved said raise. Similarly, when entering relationship negotiations, it is equally as important to reflect and prepare.

I should point out, that I’m not necessarily talking about negotiations as a formal, sit-down, serious discussion about Big Things. In relationships negotiations happen all the time - when doing the grocery shopping, waiting for a train, in bed. But being self-aware and having a clear idea of what your own personal boundaries, limits, desires, needs and offerings are can result in those conversations going a whole lot smoother, no matter how serious or ‘off the cuff’ they are.

Say, for example, you were negotiating with a new partner on how frequently you might see them. It would be good for you to have spent time reflecting on how much time you want to spend with them, how much time you think you have to spare, given your other commitments and partners and additionally, where that time is going to come from.

If you have a clear idea of these sorts of things, and why, you’re much more likely to be able to negotiate in a clear and confident manner, and a lot less likely to find it a challenge.


Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at polymeansmany.com

Poly Means Many - Banging Your Head Against the Wall of Love

“Why do you keep banging your head against the wall?”

“Because it feels so good when I stop.”


Albert Einstein is credited with the quote “Insanity: doing the same thing again and again expecting different results”. For a lot of us, this is never truer than in relationships. This time it is going to be different, this time I won’t make the same mistakes.

The truth of it is, figuring out what is right for us is an incredibly difficult thing. Forget paying bills or waking up on Monday mornings, I think it is the single greatest challenge of being a grown-up. And finding the right thing in love and relationships? Well, that is the biggest doozy of them all! Some people are lucky, and figured it out young. Me? I’m nearing 30, and I still don’t quite know.

Looking back over my dating history, I've made a lot of the same mistakes, again and again. It didn't much look like it at the time, but hindsight is 20-20, so they say. I’d like to be able to sit here and say that I made a mistake, learned from it, and never did it again, but that just isn't the case.

The thing is - what is right for us changes. What is right for us at 18 is not what is right for us at 28, and certainly not what is right for us at 58. So how do we figure this out?

I would love to say that I've always known that polyamory was right for me, but recently, I had my doubts. After a string of being ‘unlucky in love’, I thought, perhaps this wasn't what was right for me. Maybe I just couldn't do it. I made myself some ground rules and changed my priorities, vowing not to make the same mistakes again. I said I wasn't going to get into a relationship, and instead focus on school. I said I wasn't going to date someone who already had a primary partner.

I can tell you now, that didn't last long. Without even knowing it, I ended up in a relationship, and with someone who had not 1, but 2 partners already. Insane? Maybe. Was I not just doing the same thing, and expecting a different result? Well, yes and no.

This is the funny thing about love and relationships. The second you say you are not looking, or you are not going to do something, it just kind of lands in your lap. When this happened to me, it made me spend a lot of time reflecting and thinking about why it was suddenly working, when previously it hadn't  Then I realised: it wasn't the ‘being in a relationship’ or even the ‘being in a relationship with someone who already had a partner’ that wasn't working for me, it was that I was trying to control things, trying to make them what they weren't and then being unhappy when that didn't work. Then in order to correct that, I started limiting myself, when one of the things I loved most about being poly, was that there were no limits on love.

As soon as I ‘let go’, and just let things happen; I found something that worked and suddenly became happier than I had been in a long, long time.

So that is it, that is my advice for finding what works for you. Don’t set up arbitrary limits. It is OK to have boundaries and rules, rules help protect ourselves and those around us, but be open to what comes your way. The things you've oft said you would never do, or weren't right for you, are the things that are sometimes just the ticket.


Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at polymeansmany.com

Poly Means Many - Communication in the Information Age

When thinking about what I wanted to write for this month's topic (communication), several different ideas came up, but most of all, I wanted to write about how I use technology and the internet to manage poly relationships. Namely, I wanted to talk about a few different ways that technology and the internet has helped and some that have hindered.

People who practice polyamory often tote that communication is key. It is the number one cornerstone of being poly aside from, perhaps, honesty. These days, in the so-called Information Age, we have dozens of ways to communicate with each other, often instantly, or at the touch of a button. How does this influence the way polyamory works?

No talk on this topic would be complete without a discussion of Google Calendar. In internet terms, this is the glue that holds poly relationships together. It is a tool that allows all parties involved to have varying degrees of knowledge as to the schedule and whereabouts of other people. It is a great way to be able to pick out a free night to have with a partner. Within a few clicks, one can see that their partner isn't free on, say, Tuesday, because they have a date with another partner. It is a great way to keep track of dates, sleeping arrangements, group events, and generally just keep up with what is going on. It saves a lot of trouble, because it ensures that all parties involved know the score. As wonderful as it is however, it can sometimes create problems, but the best way I have learned to circumvent these, is to ensure that you are discussing things directly with your partner(s), and not letting them find things out for the first time, via your calendar.

Anyone flicking through profiles on the equal parts beloved and hated OKCupid website will notice there are a lot of non-monogamous and poly people on there. It seems like a bit of a haven for those of us in alternative relationships. Because of this, it is often the first port of call for poly people looking to date and meet new people. I have used it to varying degrees of success and I have to say that I’m a fan. It is nice to be able to put out there that you are poly, first and foremost, knowing that whomever you get in contact with knows this, and hopefully you will only be approached by other poly people, or at least those who are ok with it. Some would argue that giving a laundry list of things about yourself before even a first conversation ruins the ‘romance’ of the getting-to-know-you phase of dating, but I quite like being able to weed out the deal-breakers (ie: someone who is not poly, or not ok with it!) before investing any time.

Perhaps our most frequently used method of communication is social media. Most of us have a Twitter account and a Facebook account. I myself use Twitter a great deal. It is a simple way for me to keep up with friends, find interesting links and articles, and share bits of my life with those who care to read it. Social media can be a bit of a minefield in poly relationships though. It quite frequently transgresses that those within our greater poly circles are on the same networks as you, and this offers situations where you are privy to conversations, flirtations and plan-making that you otherwise wouldn’t be. This can create potential for confidentiality issues and jealousy, so I would advise caution, especially when looping in new partners, or during times of instability in relationships. That aside, it can be a great way to keep up with partners you might not see as frequently, and for them to be able to be a part of your daily life when they are not there; a way to feel included.

My favourite form of electronic communication is email. I love it! In the early stages of relationships, I find it a useful way to express myself succinctly. Whilst nothing will ever replace the intimacy and clarity of face-to-face conversation, email and messaging creates an opportunity to reflect on what you want to say, review and edit before hitting send. It is a great tool if you are having trouble getting your point across, or want to talk about something difficult. I often use it in early conversations about sex. Because of my own issues and hang-ups, I sometimes find it hard to verbalise my wants and needs, and find the ability to write things down hugely beneficial.

Also, it is common in poly relationships that you have a partner you don’t see as often. Perhaps they live far away, or they have partners of their own who they spend more time with. It can sometimes be difficult not being able to share your daily life with these partners, but electronic communications make this a lot easier. You can fire them a tweet wishing them luck for their upcoming interview, or post a funny picture if they are having a bad day. You can send them a long email telling them how much you miss them, or what you want to do with them when you see them next. The internet has given us a hundred ways to keep in touch with those we care about, and if used in a healthy way, these methods of communication can make all the difference in multiple relationships.

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at polymeansmany.com

My Invisible Freak Flag

Last night during a post-dance class pub discussion on changing identity, I was made to think a lot about how my identity has changed over the years, Mostly, about how I see myself, and about how to world sees me.

The thing is, right now, when walking down the street, or passing through my daily life, I appear as the epitome of privilege. White, middle-class, heterosexual male. This realisation was a bit of a shocker for me. Other than the fact that I’m white, something I cannot change, none of the others are things that I have been, or appeared as, for my entire life. For most of my life, I've been - rather visibly, some sort of marginalised group. I've been a woman, I've been in poverty, I've been queer, I've been homosexual, I've been ‘alternative’. I've also spent most of my life trying to appear ‘normal’. And now that I do, it just feels weird. I've always felt like I had been born with a freak flag etched into my forehead, but I suppose that isn't true.

I think the most shocking of all, was the realisation that I’m pretty much straight these days. I could never say that I was completely heterosexual; I still find men attractive, and it is likely I will have sex with a man again at some point, but the truth of it is, is that I no longer have any interest in dating men. When walking down the street, I no longer find myself ‘checking out’ guys. I seem to be adopting more heteronormative behaviours and mannerisms. It’s all a bit alarming!

I still remember when I started dating women again some years ago. The ability to hold someone’s hand in public or kiss them, without the fear of having the shit kicked out of me was foreign, but exhilarating. I was then, and still am, aware of the privilege this gives me, and I hope beyond hope that in my lifetime, everyone will be able to experience that, regardless of who they are or who they love. I also never have to think twice about disclosing the gender of who I date when talking to new people, colleagues, etc. I have to admit, that most of the time I like this.

I think this sort of ties into some sort of ‘queer-invisibility’ issue. Despite my ‘normal-looking’ exterior, I still feel like an outsider, an ‘other’, a deviant. And I know that I am. I’m trans, I’m kinky, I’m poly. All of these things firmly put me in the ‘not normal’ camp, but I no longer present as that in public.

As someone last night pointed out, there is nothing wrong with all this. We ebb and flow, and change. Who knows, maybe some years down the line, I will be something completely different. But for now, I suppose I need to get used to the way the world views me, how that affects the way in which I move in the world, and how I can use that advantage to help others.

All the while, finding ways to still fly my freak-flag high.

Poly Means Many - NRE or Bust

NRE, or New Relationship Energy, is a phenomenon experienced in all relationships, monogamous or poly, partner or fuck buddy, lover or even friend. It is the surge of wonderful new feelings we get when first seeing someone new. It could be that ‘can’t keep my hands off them’ lust and passion, or feeling like you want to spend all your free time with them. It is what gives you butterflies in your stomach, and makes you think about that person almost non-stop.

Eventually, NRE fades away, and gives rise to a more settled, consistent affection and stability. Things eventually level out and plateau. In popular culture, renewing this energy is what people are striving for when they ‘spice things up’, or ‘rekindle the romance’. It feels wonderful, and as such, it is easy to understand why those in monogamous or long-term relationships make effort to get a bit of that buzz back further down the line.

As polyamorous people, we have the opportunity to experience this feeling more than once, and sometimes simultaneously. When we bring a new partner into the fold, we get NRE with them, just like we did with the partner we already have. There are definite positives and negatives associated with this. It is important, when, for example, we have a stable primary relationship and we start seeing a new person, to not get too caught up in this NRE, and neglect our primary partner. It is also important not to seek this feeling out in order to smooth over or mask cracks in our existing relationships. On the flip side, this NRE can rejuvenate an existing relationship, and give it new life and new energy.

Some people thrive on NRE and lose interest in relationships when it is gone. I’m not one of those people. I find the experience of NRE nerve-wracking, and fraught with stress. The period in which we experience NRE is usually in tandem with the time when a relationship is least stable. We get caught up in the headiness of it, and it can create foster false expectations, false promises and blind us to potential problem areas. But it feels good, and sometimes we can just ‘go with’ things that we might not otherwise.

What I always long for is what comes *after* the NRE; the stability, which some think is mundane, fosters security, consistency, and familiarity. I know what to expect, and where the boundaries are.

It is important however when having NRE with someone new, to occasionally step back and analyse things. Ask yourself: Am I devoting more time/money/resources to this person than I really afford? Is this really love I am experiencing, or is it just lust? Am I devoting as much, or enough attention to my existing relationships, or getting caught up in the excitement of something new? If we are smart about it, and strive to ensure that NRE remains firmly grounded in reality, it can be an amazing and exciting time. Enjoy!

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month six bloggers - ALBJ, An Open Book, Delightfully Queer, More Than Nuclear, Rarely Wears Lipstick, and The Boy With The Inked Skin - will write about their views on one of them.

Resolve and Resolutions

So earlier this week I wrote a whole blog post on resolutions and what I wanted out of this year, and then promptly deleted it. It was incredibly self-indulgent and ethereal, unrealistic and unattainable.

Recently my friend Amanda posted about Rules for New Years Resolutions, and upon reading it, I was inspired to go back to the drawing board.

Lately I have been trying to move away from the concept of wanting things - in the sense of 'wishing things were different than they were'. I have been trying to live more in the moment, and enjoy the life I am living now, not the life I hope to be living down the road, or even the ups and downs of the life I have already lived.

But, the fact is, there are some changes I want to make in my life. There are some things I feel I could be doing to improve my life, not only for the enjoyment of my life as it is now; but to better my future and heal my past. So this year, instead of whining and wishing, I am going to make actionable, measurable goals which will, if achieved, actually improve on the things about myself and my life that upset me.

Firstly, I identified some common 'complaints' I had, and used them to brainstorm on ways I could healthily, and realistically achieve the core change they revolved around.

Whinge #1 - Displeasure with my body

Whinge #2 - Estrangement from my family

Whinge #3 - Missing travel/hobbies that make me happy

Whinge #4 - I'm broke/I can't afford to... (specifically related to whinge 2 and 3)


And from these, stem my (slightly tardy) New Years resolutions:

1. Working out - I have already started, and will continue to do my home-based workouts every other day, when possible, with the ultimate aim of being able to do: 50 unassisted pushups, 20 unassisted chin-ups, and 100 sit ups - each in a single set.
2. I am going to visit my family next year, preferably during the Christmas break. I know this will be incredibly difficult, for many, many reasons, but it is something I really cannot put off any longer.
3. I am going to go surfing for at least 1 full week in the 2nd half of 2013.
4. I am going to save the money necessary to achieve the last two resolutions above. I have found a very basic and manageable (even for a student) saving plan that will help me save the money I need to do both. It is called the 52-Week Money Challenge. Adhering to this will ensure that I have earmarked enough to book a flight to Canada and a week's surfing trip.
5. And, entirely unrelated to the above, but very important to me, are some university-related resolutions. 
1. Get on a summer research project
2. Maintain a first overall

So, there you have it folks! Feel free to check in on me and see how I'm doing, and call me on them if you think I'm slacking!

Poly Means Many - Commitment Does Not Mean Exclusivity

Commitment, it’s a word that means so much, to so many people. It’s often linked to marriage; but also to our job, our friendships, or our Sunday afternoon football team. We commit to baking something for the company bake sale, or to attending a friend’s party.

In all these instances, it implies that we are going to do something, to promise to do it no matter what, and to do only that. It implies exclusivity. We commit to going to A’s party on Friday night, even though B invited us to another one. We commit to show up to work, despite having other things we’d rather be doing. We commit to loving our spouse, and only our spouse, until death do us part. It implies sticking to it, even when it is hard. It implies giving everything we have.

So how does commitment fit into being poly? I once had a friend say to me, after I came out as poly, something along the lines of “Oh, yeah, I wouldn't want to commit either”, implying that the reason I was poly was because I couldn't commit and that I didn't want to settle down or limit my options.

The real truth of it is, it means I can commit, and I do commit, but that I commit more. Sometimes I am only committed to one person, sometimes several, but I am committed to each one of them. The nature of the commitment to one may be different to the other, but I commit. I commit to being honest with them, to treating them with respect, to ensuring they know that they are a priority to me, even if they are not my only priority. I commit what I can give, in line with what they want. That may be a few hours a week or it may be my home and my daily life.

Despite the societal implications that commitment means solitary fidelity, we know this isn't always the case. We commit ourselves to, and love more than one friend at a time. We may have a second job, or have two different hobbies. Our capacity to love, and to commit is not limited to one thing or one person. Our only true limitation is our time. There is also the misconception that exclusive commitment means more. For example, the rarity of a diamond (Diamonds are not as rare as we are all led to believe, but that is perhaps a discussion for another time!) is what makes it more valuable.

But, I believe that the conscious choice to remain faithful to a commitment, in a space where there are others, is what truly adds value to it. 

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month six bloggers - ALBJ, An Open Book, Delightfully Queer, More Than Nuclear, Rarely Wears Lipstick, and The Boy With The Inked Skin - will write about their views on one of them.

Poly Means Many - Orientation or Choice?

Orientation or choice? This question reminds me of the never-ending paradox of psychology, nature versus nurture. But asks specifically, have I always been 'poly', or is this something I actively chose? The short answer is: both!

First off, I have a confession to make. It's not something that I come out with often, because, well... I sometimes feel that this is quite a taboo thing to say in my circles:

I drank the Kool-aid. Ever since I was little, I wanted to be married, have my 1.96 kids (Yeah, that stats changed), the house, the cat, the dog and the lawnmower.

But, I come from a broken home. I certainly didn't have many examples of what that life would look like. My parents, nearly all of my aunts, uncles, older siblings, family friends, all were on their 2nd, or sometimes 3rd marriages. But because of this, I remember growing up with a resolve to do it better, and to find my 'one true love'. I wanted to show that it really could work.

On the flip side however, I have been in non-monogamous relationships my entire adult life. From my first serious partner when I was 18, up to today, I have never really been able to 'do' monogamy.

But, where did the decision to be non-monogamous come from? When did I realise it was ok to love more than one person at a time? How does one reconcile their desire for the 'white picket fence' life with non-monogamy?

It was most definitely a gradual thing. At first it was kink-related. I was a switch, and my Top wanted me to have a bottom of my own to play with. Then it was having a playmate for my ex to co-sub with. In fact, most all of my early non-monogamous relationships were based on varying D/s dynamics. It was through these early explorations that I took my baby-steps from open relationships into polyamory*. I mean, I had always been open, but I have not always been poly. It wasn't until I made a few realisations for myself that I really felt comfortable with using the term polyamorous:

1) It is impossible for 1 person to be 'everything' for another person. That is just way too much pressure, which results in mismatched expectations and hurt.

2) I am a bisexual, and into a lot of different things. Unless they are some sort of shape-shifter, it is pretty unlikely that one person can really scratch all my 'itches'.

3) I should try never to limit myself; in what I can achieve, in what I can do, and I certainly shouldn't limit myself in terms of how much love I have to give, and how much I deserve to receive.

With these thoughts solidified in my brain, I knew that polyamory was for me. I knew it wasn't just about sex. I knew that I could still have the life that I've always wanted... and more.

And with that, I gave up the stubborn idea that I could do it better, that I could make it work. Because, I knew with impunity that that system of monogamy was flawed. It may work for some, but it was never going to work for me.  Whilst I imagine some of my colleagues here will write from the stance of always being poly, but just perhaps not knowing it until they were older, I'm quite the opposite. I never really wanted to by poly, I didn't grow up thinking I would be poly, I grew up thinking I'd end up in a fairy tale. And it was only when it was clear that that was flawed, and I knew why it was flawed, was I able to adopt a model of relationships that worked for me. And boy am I glad I did!



*It is worth doing a bit of a definition check here. For me, 'open relationships' were more about casual play, and sex, whilst maintaining as close to emotional fidelity with my partner as I could. Polyamory is the ability to be in full, loving relationships with more than one person. Some people don't make this differentiation, but I do.


Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month six bloggers - ALBJ, An Open Book, Delightfully Queer, More Than Nuclear, Rarely Wears Lipstick, and The Boy With The Inked Skin - will write about their views on one of them.

Poly Means Many - Hierarchy and Labels

When thinking about what to write for this topic, I was reminded of a journal I used to keep when I was a teenager. I wrote an entry when I was 18, trying to define the relationship I had with my first serious love. I bemoaned the business tone of 'partner', the informal overly sexual tone of 'lover', the 'junior-high' feel of boyfriend/girlfriend. 11 years on and I'm afraid I still have not quite got a grasp on labels.

In polyamory, there is a pretty broad swathe of labels and terms commonly used; metamour, primary, secondary, etc. Now, I am not inherently anti-label. In fact, I find them rather useful, and I often find myself hung up on them as tools of 'expectation management', but the truth is, they really only work if there is a shared understanding of the definition of these labels. 

 

Many think that holding on to these labels is like holding on to trappings of monogamy, and I don't disagree. These labels allow us to classify our relationships in the framework of the monogamous world that we live in and until we live in a poly utopia I think that they have a place in our venacular.

For the last 10+ years that I've have been 'doing' ethical non-monogamy, I have always been in a specific 'style' of relationship set up, that being having a long-term partner that I lived with, and one or more additional partners that I saw on a regular, but less frequent basis. In this model, the terms primary (meaning the partner with which I have been with a while, live with, share life entanglements, etc) and secondary (partner who I see a lot less often, don't live with, most frequently started seeing after the relationship with my primary was started and settled, etc) fit quite well. 

 

This is the bit where I need to clarify what seems to be the most misunderstood thing about these labels: Primary does not mean more important or more loved. Secondary does not mean 'less-than'. For me, these labels clarify the domestic framework, not importance or level of commitment. They certainly don't put quantity or quality of love on a hierarchical scale.

 

This past year, I have been in a slightly different model of poly relationship which has kind of shattered these labels for me. I live on my own, and have one partner who, for all intents and purposes, fits the 'secondary' label. Essentially, I'm a secondary without a primary. Whilst is has been challenging at times, this set up has offered me many great things, not limited to: amazing personal growth, a clearer definition of what I want from relationships, time to peruse my education, other friends, hobbies, and most of all, time alone with myself, being me.

 

Do I miss having a primary partner? Yes, I sure do. I've always been a 'white picket fence' kind of boy. I enjoy living with a partner, and the stability and comfort that brings for me. But for now, I'm enjoying the unique challenges and personal growth that is coming from doing things a bit differently.

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Eachmonth seven bloggers - ALBJ,DelightfullyQueer, An OpenBook, More ThanNuclear, Post ModernSleaze, Rarely WearsLipstick, and The Boy With TheInked Skin - will write about their views on one of them.

Fear and Loss in Polyland

Many of the posts in this series focus on the good and the great things about poly. But, like many good things in life, there is a darker side. This week's topic really highlighted to me, the 'less than great' parts of being a poly. Loss, a pretty broad topic, be it break ups, loss of a loved one or family member, or even of a familiar experience or item, is a traumatic experience.

Being poly means more partners, more love, more support. Sadly, it also means more loss. Having 3 people who love you is great, but losing 3 people who love you is less than great.

Last summer, I had the misfortune of experiencing 4 break ups in a very short span of time. All of them devastating, and several of them messy. Having so many losses in such a short time was quite a blow, and it all left me reeling. I wondered if poly was really the right thing for me. Each prior loss seemed to cause more problems in the relationships I had left and each consecutive loss seemed to compound the hurt of the previous ones.

On the bright side, having that much more... exposure... to hurt, allowed me to learn that much more about myself, and to experience that much more personal growth. To improve and be a better partner, lover and friend, next time. My experience dealing with different lovers and different types of relationships has better equipped me for future lovers and relationships.

I addition, the very same support network I spoke of last month, meant that in experiencing this loss, I was never really alone. I had people around me who knew what I was going through and understood. One must be careful to never imply that losing a partner when you have another partner would 'soften the blow' in any way, each relationship is different, and has their own nuances. They each need to be grieved. Similarly to a parent, experiencing the loss of a child, will not just shrug and say 'Oh well, at least I have another one', having more than one partner does not negate the pain and trauma of losing one of them.

But, having a larger tribe of those who love you makes any dark time easier to get through. In the end, I know that poly is for me and, despite the greater potential for heartbreak, the greater potential for love makes it all worth while.



Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month seven bloggers - ALBJ,DelightfullyQueer, An OpenBook, More ThanNuclear, Post ModernSleaze, Rarely WearsLipstick, and The Boy With The Inked Skin - will write about their views on one of them.

Poly Means Many - The 'Many'

When people ask me why I am poly, I often cite the same reason: That I think it is impossible for one person to be 'everything' for another. Different people fill different roles in our lives, provide different things, and bring out different parts of our personalities.

In being bisexual, poly, kinky and switch, this concept is pretty evident and important to how I form relationships. It is literally impossible for one person to be everything to me, to provide everything I need, and to satisfy everything that I am 'into'.

In a society where so much emphasis is put on finding 'the one', the person 'of your dreams' or who 'completes you', realising that a variety of people bring a variety of things to you life if pretty radical. To me, my poly is not just made up of multiple partners/lovers, it is made up of a rich diversity of friends and loved ones.

When you are poly, it is like being in a play where everyone has a significant role, not just the 2 leading characters. If you tried to map out the poly dynamics of those around me, you would end up with a complicated woven web of connections. Metamours, parametamors, megaparametamours, and so on and so forth. Those who are not your lovers form in framework around you, creating a network of loved ones.

In this network you find friendships that transcend the typical, levels of intimacy and familiarity that go above and beyond what most people expect and receive from their friends. The only thing I can liken it to is a family or a tribe. We are from all different walks of life, personalities and interests, but are connecting by tendrils of love, connected across divides.

To an outsider, it may seem complicated or messy, but to me it is simple. These people are my family. Not a family that I begrudgingly love out of obligation, but with whom I share my life and my love with out of choice.

Poly does mean many, and because of this, I am never alone.

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Eachmonth seven bloggers - ALBJ,DelightfullyQueer, An OpenBook, More ThanNuclear, Post ModernSleaze, Rarely WearsLipstick, and The Boy With TheInked Skin - will write about their views on one of them.

The lucky one

So last week my article, Being Ben was published in Filament Magazine. The article outlines a bit of my transition, how my family responded, how it has changed my views on gender, advice for friends of trans people, and people who may be thinking of transitioning. The photos and the article turned out great, and I am really excited about it.

I did the article for two reasons. The first is to help others. If I could help one person who was thinking of transitioning make the right decision for them, or if I could help one friend or family member of a trans person understand a bit of what it is all about, I'd feel it was worth it.

The second reason is probably a bit self gratifying. There is a certain freedom in 'coming out' to the world. Having the article out, in an international magazine, that many/most of my peer group read, was a way to get my story out there so everyone could see it, and I didn't have to explain it.

Over the past year, I have been coming out to friends, new and old. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I spent about 6 years being 'stealth'. In the closet. No one but my partners knew. I missed out on a lot, and it took a lot of my energy to keep it up.

I kept it up mostly due to fear and self-loathing. Fear of that people would think of me different if they knew, that they wouldn't want me, or that they would judge me. This fear has been widely unfounded, as my friends are awesome and no one has judged me or been anything other than supportive. Hell, not even supportive, just treated me normally. The self-loathing is a bit harder. Self-loathing in that I wasn't a real man, that I had something to hide, that I was less than, that my partners were settling, and secretly wanting the real thing. I don't feel that way anymore. I know who I am, I know what I have to offer to the world and I like that. I like me. I'm happy, really happy.

I wasn't always though. A friend posted a YouTube video this morning on Facebook that nearly had me in tears. It was like looking at 13 year-old me. The video can be seen here. It's only a few minutes long, so please watch it.

I was that kid. I started getting bullied at about 6 or 7. It didn't stop until I left highschool at 17. It was constant. It was from boys, from girls, even teachers. No one stood up for me, no one protected me, no one stopped it. I was different, which made me an easy victim. As a result, I acted out a lot, almost got sent to a special school for kids with behavioral problems. In my teens, I retreated even further into myself and took drugs and alcohol. A lot. I didn't go to prom, I didn't even go to my graduation, I was so happy to be away from there. I tried sports, I tried the military, I tried art. Nothing made it any better until I finally transitioned and moved away.

But watching this little boy's video, watching the tears and the pain, and remembering shedding those very same tears and the weight of that pain, I kind of wonder; How did I make it? With the media being abuzz with pre-teen suicides, and the It Gets Better campaign growing massive amounts of attention, I know that not all kids do. I wonder what was different about me, how I got through relatively unscathed, how I made it into adulthood largely successful, happy, loved.

I wish I knew what the magic formula was, as I would package it and send it out to every single one of those kids. No one should have to feel the way I did, the way the boy in that video does. Certainly not a child.

I made it, I don't really know how, but I did. I'm one of the lucky ones, and I count my blessings every single day.

Wants and Needs

This past New Years, I made a resolution to be less subtle, and ask for what I want. I have done fairly good at achieving this, and had some wonderful experiences that I would not have had if I had let my shyness prevail.

As I'm suddenly thrust into singledom again, a stark realisation has occurred to me. I've been learning to ask for what I want in the short term but I have been failing miserably at getting what I *need* in the long term. (Let me explain here, that I mean want/need in terms of relationships, sex and dating).

I'm not looking to any time soon, but at some point, I am going to start dating again. I'm a relationship type of person. I like being part of a couple, I like having a partner. I have had some pretty spectacular failings in relationships, but I am determined, that this time, I will have learned from those failings. I am slowly forming a figure in my head of what my perfect mate is, what I truly need from a person and a relationship. I thought I'd write it down, for posterity. (NB. I am using the word want below, but these things together all combine to be what I need in my next partner, also, this post is not to say that my previous partners didn't contain many of the below features).


I want to be chased, not to always be the one doing the chasing. I want to be cared for, even though I find it hard, and I in turn will care for them.

I want someone who has their shit together, to be strong, secure and independent. I don't want to be held accountable for the actions of my predecessors, or the daemons in their head, but accountable for my actions and my words.

I want them to have a life, ambitions, goals and dreams. I want them to be driven by passion and to have crazy things they cannot live without. I want them to take chances, to have life experience behind them and interesting stories to tell.

I want them to enjoy spending time with me, but not need to spend time with me. I want to be free to have fun with my friends, to meet new people and explore new things. I want to be trusted and respected. I want to be able to play with my friends or new people I meet and be open to potential, but to feel secure. I want to know who I go home to, and for them to know I will always go home to them.

I want to be a priority. I want to be the most important thing to someone else. I want to be considered first. I want them to never have to choose, but to know if they did, it would always be me.

I want someone to want to do bad things for me. I want to be good for them. I want them to not be able to keep their hands off me. I want them to wake up in the middle of the night wanting me, and I want them to take me. And, I want to be able to do the same to them.

I want to make them smile. I want them to be excited to see me. I want them to be proud to call me their partner. I want to be shown off to friends and family.

I want to be supportive, and a shoulder to cry on, but not to be constantly firefighting. I want to reassure, but not be a source of validation.

I want to be surprised. I want to be treated. I want the little things, the secrets, the hidden notes, and spontaneity.

I want someone to want me to be better than I am, and I want someone who wants to be better than they are. And I want to enjoy that journey together, but knowing that neither of us can change the other, we can just be the reason for the change.

Most of all, I want stability, comfort and love.

Will I find all these things in one person? Who knows. But I know I won't stop looking for them, because my heart needs what my heart needs.

How To Make Love To A Trans Person

I came across this through a friend's tumblr, and was overcome with how beautifully written it is. I felt I had to share it with you all. I hope you all read it, and share it with your friends too.

HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A TRANS PERSON

By Gabe Moses

Forget the images you’ve learned to attach

To words like cock and clit,

Chest and breasts.

Break those words open

Like a paramedic cracking ribs

To pump blood through a failing heart.

Push your hands inside.

Get them messy.

Scratch new definitions on the bones.

Get rid of the old words altogether.

Make up new words.

Call it a click or a ditto.

Call it the sound he makes

When you brush your hand against it through his jeans,

When you can hear his heart knocking on the back of his teeth

And every cell in his body is breathing.

Make the arch of her back a language

Name the hollows of each of her vertebrae

When they catch pools of sweat

Like rainwater in a row of paper cups

Align your teeth with this alphabet of her spine

So every word is weighted with the salt of her.

When you peel layers of clothing from his skin

Do not act as though you are changing dressings on a trauma patient

Even though it’s highly likely that you are.

Do not ask if she’s “had the surgery.”

Do not tell him that the needlepoint bruises on his thighs look like they hurt

If you are being offered a body

That has already been laid upon an altar of surgical steel

A sacrifice to whatever gods govern bodies

That come with some assembly required

Whatever you do,

Do not say that the carefully sculpted landscape

Bordered by rocky ridges of scar tissue

Looks almost natural.

If she offers you breastbone

Aching to carve soft fruit from its branches

Though there may be more tissue in the lining of her bra

Than the flesh that rises to meet it, Let her ripen in your hands.

Imagine if she’d lost those swells to cancer,

Diabetes,

A car accident instead of an accident of genetics

Would you think of her as less a woman then?

Then think of her as no less one now.

If he offers you a thumb-sized sprout of muscle

Reaching toward you when you kiss him

Like it wants to go deep enough inside you

To scratch his name on the bottom of your heart

Hold it as if it can-

In your hand, in your mouth

Inside the nest of your pelvic bones.

Though his skin may hardly do more than brush yours,

You will feel him deeper than you think.

Realize that bodies are only a fraction of who we are

They’re just oddly-shaped vessels for hearts

And honestly, they can barely contain us

We strain at their seams with every breath we take

We are all pulse and sweat,

Tissue and nerve ending

We are programmed to grope and fumble until we get it right.

Bodies have been learning each other forever.

It’s what bodies do.

They are grab bags of parts

And half the fun is figuring out

All the different ways we can fit them together;

All the different uses for hipbones and hands,

Tongues and teeth;

All the ways to car-crash our bodies beautiful.

But we could never forget how to use our hearts

Even if we tried.

That’s the important part.

Don’t worry about the bodies.

They’ve got this.

(Source: genderqueerchicago.blogspot.com)

Tears for fears

I thought it fitting that the only post I have left on this blog be about my desire and inability to cry. It allows me to segway easily into this next chapter.

Last night I cried, I cried on Sunday past as well, for very different reasons. Last night I cried in a busy late-night restaurant, in the company of two fantastic friends, and after several cocktails has been imbibed. But, I cried.

The tears were linked to something that is a quite deep and core issue for me, and that is the feeling of not being wanted. It stems for my childhood; from abandonment issues to do with my mother, school-yard bullies and being an 'ugly kid', being awkward and confused as a teen.

These feelings have prevailed into my adult life as well and have manifested themselves quite neatly in my kink life. I'm a switch, a true switch I would say. I couldn't chose between roles, nor do I have a preference. Well, no, that is untrue. I probably prefer to Top, but some of that preference is out of self preservation and convenience.

When I was a teenager (literally, the month I turned 18) I began a D/s relationship with a much older person that was possibly the most satisfying and intense relationship I had ever had. Through my submission to this person, I felt whole and fulfilled. It went on and off for about 6 years (all but 1 year of it being long-distance, and secondary), and eventually ended for reasons to complex to discuss here.

Since then, with the exception of a few scenes and 'mucking about' sprinkled over the years, I have not subbed. At all. For a while I didn't want to, or didn't want to admit I wanted to, but for the last two years, I have not just wanted it, I have craved it to my bone.

The really hard part has been in finding a suitable dominant partner. Well, a dominant partner full-stop. I have had some offers for play here and there, and I know I have some lovely friends who I could have a lot of fun with, but what I am craving is much more than that.

I want to be wanted, to be needed, to be owned and to be used. I don't just want a flogging in a noisy club, I want someone to call me theirs and be proud of me. I want to adore, to serve, to offer myself up, and to be safe. And well... that is pretty darn hard to find, especially as a submissive male.

The tears last night were a bit self-indulgent, and I look back feeling like that response was a bit ungrateful. Ungrateful for the loving and wonderful partners I have, my amazing friends, and the play that I do get. Yet, the tears flowed from a place deep inside where a little boy full of fear and sadness just wonders why no one wants him, why he isn't good enough, why so many people around him get that, and he doesn't.

I know when the time and the circumstances are right, I'll find my Dominant, and they will love and cherish me, control and torment me, and be proud to call me their own. In the meanwhile, I need to focus on making myself as good as I can, and to enjoy the amazing plethora of people and experiences I have in my life.

And probably shed a few tears.

Tears, Shame and Permission

It has been a while since I posted, the biggest reason being, every time I think about doing a blog post, I can think of about 4 or 5 things to blog about. I should probably blog more often. I'll try to limit this to one topic for now, but several might follow as I try to compartmentalise.

Over the last day or two I have been in a pretty low. Depressed, moody, overwhelmed, stressed, sad; the list could go on. On an intellectual level, I know what I need to do to make things better. I need to make lists, prioritise tasks, and just get things done. I need to find ways to get my needs met. When I have too much to do I find myself paralyzed, and then I don't do anything, which results in me spiralling; angry at myself for being 'lazy', and then time passes and I have more things to do, and feel worse about how long it is taking me to do what I have to do. I feel like I should just get on with things and do them, then they will be done and I won't be stressed anymore. The kick-in-the-butt needed seems out of reach though.

Through all this, I have had an overwhelming desire to cry. I almost cried in counselling on Wednesday, but held back. The Kid has even come right out and said she wants me to cry, and to cry on her. I still feel unable though. Like I have a huge mental block. I have struggled for years with crying. I used to cry a lot, often and easily; I found it a great release. But, over the last few years I seem to have lost the ability. Or rather, the ability to give myself permission. Even when my marriage ended, I didn't cry until weeks later, and only for about 2 minutes.

I don't know what I am afraid of. Possibilites are of being too vulnerable, or feeling un-masculine, or perhaps I am afraid that if I open the taps a bit, there will be a never-ending flood. I struggle with feeling sorry for myself. I don't think I should feel sorry for myself; I have a really good life overall. I feel like crying is selfish and indulgent. I feel like I am supposed to be the strong one, and crying seems weak to me.

I also struggle with the gender norms around crying. Like the adage 'boys don't cry'. While I don't think going out and smashing something up is the proper way to deal with emotions, I struggle with being a man and being that emotionally vulnerable. This is additionally frustrating to me, because I am someone who prides himself in my ability to forgo gender stereotypes, and allow myself to take on roles and behaviours that are considered feminine, as well as those considered masculine. I'm just as comfortable in an apron baking as I am shouting at a football match, or the like. Why do I hold onto this one gender stereotype?

Over the weekend I am going to really try to engineer a time and environment to get a good cry out. What and when that will be, I am not sure. A comfy cuddle, a beating, listening to a sad song on my own, I do not know quite yet. I know that when I do cry, I would really like someone to be there, to cuddle me and comfort me, to witness my vulnerability and to give me permission to be so. I have a very busy weekend coming up, but hopefully I'll be able to get that in.

I have a feeling I will feel much better for it, and perhaps removing that block might let my productivity flow, and free me from this foul mood.